Dear God,

Please teach me how to Love. But also please be gentle, I break easily.

thanks,

shannon

4:10pm- thank you. ..that was pretty quick

How to Not Marry a JErk

In 5 slightly challenging but hopefully rewarding steps:

These are not my teachings, but taken from a pamphlet handed to me some time ago. I think I might like to try it out- and while I'm at it, share and spread the wealth!

Good Advice #1: Stay in the "Saftey Zone"

-we do this by never letting one level exceed the previous.

Repeat: NEVER LET ONE LEVEL EXCEED THE PREVIOUS.

-The level of each bonding dynamic should never exceed the previous level. This is how we stay in the "Saftey Zone"

(that third reiteration was for me! )

LEVEL ONE: KNOW

A relationship [any relationship- not limited to but certainly including friends, professional, etc] begins with knowing someone. Your Knowledge of someone grows with mutual self-disclosure and diverse experiences together, shared together over time.

LEVEL TWO: TRUST

As you grow to KNOW a person, you determine what you can and cannot trust.

So, to plug in the Saftey Zone technique: It is never wise to Trust someone more than what you Know about them. So Don't do it.

The Third LEvel is: RELY

Personally I'm (shannon here) still lingering around the first two steps, so I'm not going to continue further into this blog until I feel ready to do so. Only to say that the NEXT level deals with relying on the other person. and where that falls into place is:

DO not look to the other person to meet your needs beyond your tested TRUST in him or her (and again, do not trust someone more than what you know about them)

Now, romantically speaking- because, hey, that's what this is really all about! I noticed myself that there is nothing here in these 1st 3 steps about physical/sexual touch or even a smallish commitment of sorts. nope that would be a big fat.... no. (those indeed are not in the 1st 3 steps)

hmm. Food for thought.

hello old friend- good to see you again

Just

a little amazed at how differently I am feeling now since my last post a few months ago. i'm not sad. i'm not confused. i'm not lonely or scared or miserable. on the contrary.

i feel good. i feel happy. i feel ALIVE!

and I want to BE alive with other people.

I almost deleted the items below me here, b/c they no longer reflect where and who I am anymore. but I decided to leave them up- as an awareness tool not to forget how low I could be just a short time ago and how quickly {God} can work if he choses to do so.

Yes, I said GOD.

for those that know me, and know me well, you know I have been struggling with the existence of this God stuff for no short amount of time. We're... talking again.. taking it slow. I will say this, if he *does* exist--(God, Jesus, the whole nine yards)-- He's been a very patient gentleman with me for a very long time.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I hurt you.

I put myself first and that caused you pain.

I apologize. Please forgive me.

*I realize these are words I should use more often, myself, and hope to be thus aware and mature as I grow into me, but alas, this was originally written as words I wanted to *hear*..

i have a sick feeling i will never hear from [him] again.

i hope i'm wrong.

i don't understand why we can't resolve this.

i honestly don't understand what happened.

things were going one way, and then... "something" happened

(i have no idea what)

and now.. there is silence...

silence is freaky. i don't like it.

mainly b/c i don't understand it. if I at least knew why it could be better to take.

so the question now is- how do i resolve this on my own?

i'm not sure...

whenever I'm not sure about things, i write!

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one time when I was walking to the train i overheard some guy yelling out "hey beautiful" or something like that. I kept walking, i didn't know who he was yelling at and I wasn't about to turn around to find out. "HEY Snowflake! Pretty Snowflake!" the voice continued. Then all of a sudden the voice blurted out-- "UGLY BITCH!!!" (as i rounded the corner, mind you, and disappeared underground.)

it was then AND ONLY THEN, that i realised- oh my gosh was he talking to me? Now I was mad. I was being punished (falsely accused) for something I didn't do. I guess he thought I was blatently ignoring him on purpose (?) Well how the heck am I suppose to know he was addressing me? Do you know how many people are in the streets of NY!? I don't talk to strangers. if you don't say my name (as a means to try to get my attention), I'm not going to respond. period. He didn't say my name. So I didn't respond.

And then there's that other thing- first I was Beautiful. A Pretty Snowflake. (aww) :)

Then when he didn't get his way, now all of a sudden I magically turned into an "Ugly Bitch"? where's the logic in that? I didn't change buddy. Your attitude did. I was the same person the whole time.

the whole time

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if [you] disagree, please let me know. please, please tell me! I have no idea what you are thinking unless you talk to me about it.

I know talking doesn't always run in our favor. We speak different languages, I'm sure of it. But... I still believe that's better than not communicating at all- making up stories in our head about the other person. don't you?

i don't know, maybe i'm wrong. maybe not talking is best sometimes. but when do you know when to talk and when not to? what's that kenny rogers song again? -know when to hold 'em.

-----------------------------------

Another time I was running down the sidewalk late for work, and this man called me an asshole.

wow.

he might as well have punched me in the chest.

asshole? ..really? What kind of man calls a woman an asshole??

maybe he thought I was a guy.

i'm not sure if that's better or worse.

Lamentations

i feel pain.

pain pain pain pain pain.

i almost just wrote on my FB status- "i want to die. this world sucks. who cares anyways"

and i meant every word of it.

but then i thought against it. for one, i'd probably get a slew of questions from people. not to mention numbers for hotline helps...

but mainly, the real reason i didn't post such a thing is there's really only one person right now who i'd want to see that, so why post a passive aggressive message in hopes that they might? that's lame. and stupid.

seriously.

junior high times 12.

sometimes, even at 30 I feel a bit junior high times 12, though. (oh shut up, i know how old i am- this is MY post, let me write it how i want to)

bottom line- i'm hurting too.

don't you see? this isn't just black and white. it's not just about dating or not dating- there are other layers involved-- of which include my heart too.

..*sigh*..

he's right.

..why DO I care?

I don't know.

I DONT KNOW I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!

i just know that I do.

I hate how mean are so versatile like that. For months and months you guys can go after something with your whole heart and then overnight, like a switch or something, you're like, "no? oh ok never mind then. oh look!- here's something else over here."

WTF? grrr - rowl.

it must be true i guess- women are crockpots. men are microwaves. i hate that. i hate it i hate it i hate it. at least show ME that you care. You guys can be tough or whatever at work/ w your colleagues and guy friends.. i get that, (i guess.) but why be indifferent with me?..

i guess i need authenticity. isn't that what friendship is all about?

if you chose not to be my friend anymore then.. well that really sucks. But I guess I have to accept and respect that. But please tell me that with Words instead of acting like everything is ok one minute and then telling me you can't talk to me the next--- I don't understand that. It confuses me and I surely don't trust it.

i can't help my past experiences. they happend. and as a result it takes me longer than most to warm up to something new and unfamiliar. i need someone that can respect my pace and my own boundaries. i'm searching for trust, here.

..and then maybe i'll start trusting in GOD again too.

i guess that's what it has boiled down to for me. - just being real.

has anyone every considered-- that all the things people could (and have) use against me as reasons to be upset with me-- that I don't like them either?...

yeah - me too.

i hate that i'm this way.

i hate that i don't know how to let someone love me.

i hate that men want to give me the world, and I'm so screwed up I can't even let them.

i hate that 34 years have passed and here i am. living like a college kid- in a "dorm" of a lifestyle. no money, unfulfilling job, unfufilling life.

i hate that i let people get to me like this.

and i hate that i care.

i'm broken.

..all my wings are, too.

is anyone out there listening?.....

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Life

I think probably one of the hardest things about life is doing stuff you don't want to do.

Like right now.. I'd like to just sit here until the thing that I'm anticipating happening today happens. But who knows how long I'd have to wait... if I did that, I could be just sitting here until tomorrow... or God knows, maybe even the day after that. So I'd just be sitting here for two or three days just "waiting" and not getting anything else accomplished. 

Logically, that's not very smart or practical. So I MUST get up and do other things- despite the fact that this other thing is the only thing on my mind right now. It's like pulling a bear out of thick molasses though- pretty tough stuff.  my heart is hurting. this is the part about life that I do not like.